Making a date with myself

Summer's arrived - or at least the calendar says so. The amount of rain and cool weather seems to be pointing to spring and gives me hope that somehow winter will simply be crowded out this year. Probably not. With summer comes vacations and traveling, something I've managed to dive head first into. I've come to really like and even enjoy Haskovo, but I also know there's a country to see, hiking to do, friends to catch up with, good times to have...oh yeah, and work to do. I cannot remember the last weekend I stayed in town. I think I might have been ill. I've been hiking, wandering through towns, visiting friends, meeting new people and even will head to the beach this weekend (I've always thought of beaches as a thinking woman's hell, but I'm going to give it a go anyway). This has meant that my life is largely centered around the timely unpacking and packing of my backpack. I have no idea what all this other stuff in my apartment is for at this point - I never use it - and the constant in and out makes me feel like I am living in a storage unit (and it looks like I am too). My inbox of undealt with emails is over 100. I haven't spent an evening in the kitchen (something I love to do) in at least a month, probably closer to two.

I state this things not to point to my so-called social importance, but to point out a real quandary for me. I really love seeing people and traveling and I've had multiple weekends that were nothing short of wonderful - I can't name the last bad one I had. But a part of me - part of myself, my life and my duties - is being neglected because of it. I'm a little spent at the moment. Trying to embrace the work hard/play hard mentality has also killed my intellect. Thoughts and insights pop into my head to be quickly pushed out for logistical matters or the topic of conversation at hand. My intellectual and emotional development requires a lot of introspection (arguably I can overengage in such things, I know) and I have simply not had time for it. I feel a little crazed - part of me is being very well fed and another is just getting by on scraps.

Faithful readers may have noticed the recent dearth of entries here - something that is no small matter to me. My writing is my greatest commitment to me - it's my own chat by the fire with a cup of tea with my inner self. It makes me process myself and my world in a way that mere thought and conversation don't force me to do as in depth. Many of my better writings have been fueled by great conversations with like-minded (or not-so-like-minded) people, but when everyone is in vacation mode (and I'm always bopping about) those conversations don't happen so often either. I've had an incredible amount of good chats in the last couple months, but I fail to remember any truly great ones. My writing (both quantity and quality) and my deeper inner self have suffered accordingly.

Due to some bizarre series of social events that has resulting in meeting and connecting with new people, my social circle has expanded to about twice the size it was 4 months ago. There's not a single person I regret meeting or adding to the people I keep in contact with - they are pure joy, I feel no obligation nor sense of weight. I guess I am unsure how to honor the social me that wants to hang and have a good time and connect with people with the introverted me that wants to write and think and read and spend some time in herself. I've tried to think back over my life to whether I've ever achieved both at once - I know I've achieved both individually - and I can't recall that I have. I've flipped back and forth many times, but never rested on a good equilibrium.

Part of the issue is that I am a high contact person - the people in my life are there on a regular (often daily) basis. I want that and expect that - I hate people that just drop in for the big stuff. Yeah, I said hate. People don't get to know me through my big moments - it's the daily messes and teeny struggles and triumphs that show who I (and anyone else) am (is). I am online a lot and have unsaid chat dates with multiple people every day. I try to keep the conversations one-to-one (scattering yourself over multiple conversations just keeps each in second gear AND it annoys the shit out of anyone trying to have a genuine conversation with you - don't be tempted), but it's resulted in me being online at least 4 hrs a day. That's a lot of time staring at the screen, writing, but not really.

The struggle here isn't deciding who to keep and discard (it's not even a question - every friendship is unique and wonderful, why else would you have it?) but balancing what I give myself with what I give others. It's my lifelong struggle, especially since the time and energy I give others I also see as something I give myself. I guess I just need more alone time. To quote Oprah (as I love/hate to do):

Alone time is when I recharge and go back to my center, distancing myself from the voices of the world so I can hear my own with clarity. It's when I consciously count my blessings, take a deep breath, and try to absorb the wonder and glory of all my experiences.

Having a grand time, but I've been kinda missing me lately. Time to fix it (again).