The Ultimate Answer: 42

College philosophers may sit around and discuss what the meaning of life is, but Peace Corps volunteers sit around and ask their own unanswerable question: why do we stay? I've never met someone with a good answer and last night, a friend and I went into another round of questioning this only to conclude (seriously): we want our moms. It's so adventurous, eh?

Like philosophers, we tend to construct more questions than answers. The questions are something like: What would we go back to? Where would we go? Would I be abandoning people here? Would I be a failure? What am I missing here? Would I be missing it someplace else? Am I sacrificing something by leaving? By staying? What did I come here to do? Have I done it? Why did I even think this was a good idea in the first place? Is there a secret (besides alcohol)? Can I have it? What if we just all left en masse?

Why do I stay? I really don't know. I think about it often. About leaving too. What would it take for me to call it quits? Up until last week I couldn't visualize the process of leaving, that's how I knew I wouldn't. But, suddenly, it seemed easy to take stock of what in the apartment was worthy of being taken back and a bus ride to the Peace Corps office followed by the simple phrase "I want a ticket home" seemed like a clear and simple solution. Seeing that made finding the answer to the question that much harder.

I look forward to things here, but they are mainly times with other American friends. Like an 80s factory worker waiting to be rescued, I live for the weekends. That's when I see people and get out. That's when I connect. Being stuck at home for the last two weeks (and weekends) has not been good on the ol' psyche. Once those things I look forward to disappear, the lack of answer to The Question becomes all too nagging. Two weeks of being sick and nagged can make anyone bitchy.

There are times when the question disappears, I guess those times are the answers. Those times are always centered on really good times with friends. I don't know why I stay in the larger sense, but in a day-to-day sense I stay for them. I stay because there are good people here - good people who are my life rafts. Every day I, and many other volunteers, board a sinking ship because we know there are life rafts. Seems like an odd reason to climb aboard, eh?