There she goes

I'm no stranger to hardship or sacrifice in my life. I've worked since... since I don't know when. Since before it was legal for me to work. I babysat my weekends and summers away until I could work for a whopping $3.25/hr (yes, I'm that old). Worked through high school and early college, one summer having 3 nearly full-time jobs. (I don't know how that math worked either... but I assure you, it's true.) Eventually, even with working part-time I couldn't afford private university any longer and worked full-time. Well, NYC full-time - so more like 60+ hrs/wk. Eventually I professionally maneuvered to be able to work full-time while going to school part time. This lasted until the summer of 2004.

It took me 10 years to graduate college. Academics were not the problem - financing was. Still, I wanted the degree, so I worked until I got it. My friends had long since left and found careers and spouses and even advanced degrees. I sucked it up and reminded myself I was a stronger person for it all. Unfortunately, I'm a forgetful person and I forgot that whole character-building part and really just kind of hated the process of sitting in a room with trust fund brats who had never, and would never, read the material. I was after a degree and an education. Ten years later, I got both.

Chris Mathews said in an interview long ago that he felt like he was playing a game different than other people. He, like others, liked to win, but unlike others he wanted to do it right - the right morals, means and ends. He was playing by different rules and, while he felt like a better person for that, he also found that he often lost because of it. Like Chris, I want to do the right things for the right reasons. I too feel like it means I play a different game. I'd like to win, but mostly I want to look at myself in the mirror, look deeply into my own eyes and know the person there is someone I respect. I work everyday to make sure I can still do that. It's something I do every single morning.

I think of myself as a giving person. A rather selfless one. Still, I have my limits. I read an article a few weeks ago by a woman who said she never gave, in any way, that wasn't sustainable. If she couldn't always drop a dime in a cup, she just wouldn't. It saved her from giving and eventually feeling badly for it. If she couldn't repeat something, she didn't do it at all. I read this and was in awe of her dedication to defend and preserve herself. To not be depleted, but to still be giving. It's the kind of thing that seems harsh and rash from the outside. Unless, of course, you too are easily cornered into the gift-than-grief cycle and then it all makes sense.

Confucius said "Have no friends not equal to yourself." Again, a harsh way of thinking perhaps, but quite sensible to those who've found themselves the lesser of two, or even the daunting task of being the greater of two. Being carried is humiliating and carrying only breeds resentment.

All of these things: integrity, self-respect, a search for equals lead me to one of the biggest, most deliberate life changes I've ever made. The Peace Corps ads say "Life Is Calling. How Far Will You Go?" Ironically, life is calling. And I'm answering. I'm not only willing, but able to go... even further.