When did that happen?

A conversation with a friend today came to a point where she laughed and then playfully asked "when did you become so cheap?" I've had a number of negative adjectives attached to my personality at any given point, but I assure you cheap has never been one of them. People are more likely to ask things like "you spent how much?" or "do you really need that?" than to point out my miserly ways. No more it seems. Cheapness now gets added to the stack of bad habits and traits I've mistakenly acquired in Bulgaria.

I make it through every month within my living allowance (well, except for the travel-intensive summers) but somehow it's started to make me nervous. A case of realizing I head home in less than a year perhaps. My new obsession with having a theater and modern art filled birthday in London perhaps. My ever dwindling home savings perhaps. Perhaps.

So much of me has left or changed, for better and for worse. I've recently started being more vocal and ballsy at my work places and just being honest about my opinions and views. My professional history is all over the map, but what it basically has meant is that I go into organizations, give them the benefit of the doubt for some time and then get frustrated and rip them apart. It seems I've reached that point. The return of Candid Me has surely raised some eyebrows and made people think "who's she to say?" but that always happens. I'm blunt but critical and take my professionalism and the work attached to my name seriously - something people don't always realize. I might have been quiet for a few months, but never because I wasn't thinking and observing.

How does this all relate? Quality. Some say I'm obsessed with it. There are worse addictions, I say. I've become cheap partially because if it's great I don't mind paying for it, but if it's poor or mediocre I'd just rather not. I've become increasingly comfortable with my own company and unless I'm traveling or spending money to see good friends or do something great then I'd rather just stay home and do my own thing. My first year I was ok with shuffling about more and spending more freely, just as an escape and an outlet from daily frustrations. Those daily things don't bother me anymore - I no longer seek to escape them with such fervor, so my quality conditions have resurfaced. Same with work. I spent a good deal of last year not rocking any boats and just trying to feel comfortable, but as I kept playing the 'good American volunteer' role and not asking pointed questions or feeling ok saying 'no' I drifted further from being present and gathered resentment to the whole experience for it. I'm sure it was felt by others. I don't want my name on projects that are half-ass or to be a part of half-baked ideas. Do it or don't. You may not value my time and energy, but I do and I intend to let you know it.

I've made reference here to the idea that people, self included, have spent a lot of time playing and being easy-going and 'fun.' I suppose I'm just officially tired of it. I like to change things and push people and make things happen. It's what I do. It's what I'm good at. I like a life filled with good things - with quality - I'm not afraid to pay for it or work for it, but if it's not up to standard I'll most likely not even bother. It's bitchy, I know, but that's a negative adjective I've come to embrace. I'm still just not sure about 'cheap.'