Saturn's na gosti

Depending on your "new-ageiness," you will either see your late twenties and early thirties as the return of Saturn or, the newer buzz phrase, the quarter-life crisis. Either way the real term is "mind fuck". At some point (after I came here - introspection a little too late) I questioned why I left -- why did I sign up to spend two years in relative poverty, working in a foreign language, living with people I had no previous connection to? I think I was preparing for this - for Saturn's return and for my deepest journey to date. It hit me on New Year's Eve -- the best time to be hit by an emotional Mack truck is at a party where everyone is trying to have fun. Who doesn't like a party-goer who suddenly questions her life, her place in the universe, her needs, desires and insecurities?! In addition to feeling like the worst guest ever (I actually left the party and dodged all these scary fireworks that people here mindlessly throw to cry in peace), I felt like the Mack truck had "Cliche, Inc." written on the side of it. I mean really, who the hell am I? Having a big existential crisis on New Year's Eve? About what I want to change and about what hasn't? About being alone? About not knowing what I want from my life? That is all so fucking lame. Are the biggest questions in my life out of some afterschool special? Please don't let Alicia Silverstone portray me in my biographical movie! I'm here to question my life path, my goals, myself, my relations with those I care about (if you get strangely serious emails at some point, you now know why). It's really hard - the hardest thing I've ever done. I'm morphing into someone else... I'm morphing into someone - I'm morphing into me.

(NOTE: "na gosti" means "visit" in Bulgarian)