A piss poor balancing act

One thing I like about my writing is its ability to tie together, swing wide and then come back and neatly make a narrow point. It requires some focus and some thought. It requires that I be able to do that in my life first, and then in my writing. Recently, as the last entry just mentioned, I lack a certain focus and balance - everywhere. After one of the best weekends I can remember, I spent the majority of today on a bus only to come home to a horrendously dirty apartment and a load of emails. Following one step behind my life.

When I worked fast food and at a movie theater during high school I got to the point where I could predict what meal someone would order or what movie they wanted to see or that they wanted extra butter but a Diet Coke. It was a game I played with myself and sometimes I liked to freak customers out by starting to punch in what they wanted before they even said anything. Part of it was my interest in human nature and in patterns (my personal definition of intuition is "accurate stereotyping"). Part of it was boredom. I think a lot when I'm bored with the outside world (the world in my head is very developed at this point, trust me) and customer service jobs are just about as boring as the outside world can get. Right now though the outside world has taken up camp in my head - I'm having enough trouble just keeping up with it, much less processing anything. My down time is about exhaustion or about preparing for the next thing, not chewing on the pieces of my life to see what's in them.

Peace Corps is about a lot of things, some of which I think I do not yet even know, but one of those things is trying on different life choices and seeing how they fit. I'm trying on a go! go! go! life and I am enjoying it - I just feel like part of me is getting a little lost in the process and I don't know how to keep that from happening. Back in the day, in those customer service jobs, I came up with the theory that to best observe human nature one needs to stay stationary while others pass through, giving the person a quick glance at people and allowing those stereotypes to start flowing. It's why I love to park it on a bench and just people watch - I do extensive people watching in every vacation I take, it's great fun and keeps me on my generalizing toes. I haven't done a lot of sitting still recently (and not conincidently, not a lot of theorizing either) , so my insight into the human condition is pretty rusty, as is insight on my OWN condition. Unfortunately, it's not only something I like to do, but my desire to explain and understand the human experience as best I can is one of the things I like best about myself. In fact, I'd like to make a living off of it someday. Today, however, I didn't even make time for dinner and that's basic Hierarchy of Needs shit. Can't get to self-actualization without being able to feed myself - thanks for that insight, Maslow.

I SWEAR this had a point in my head... Oh, like always, when I get stuck I look for answers elsewhere and here's another astrology thing, which I thought was an accurate description of me and relates (sorta) to my current situation:

April 29

You are a restless soul and though you want security more than anything in your life you seem to be compelled to keep moving. Even if you settle down at times your mind still moves like the wind. You will journey many times in life. These travels may not only be of the world, but of the mind and spirit as well.

You are always learning - the eternal student - so to speak. Your appetite for knowledge is excessive. There is an ancient saying "knowledge is bondage". Know when to say "enough is enough".

One of these days I'll stop doing these fucking annoying blog rambles people love to do and put some meat on the page again. Not today, obviously. You'll just have to stay tuned until I get back there. It might be awhile...