Losing battles

I have two jobs. Both frustrating for different reasons.

The municipality makes me feel uncomfortable every time I'm there. I hate going. I'm ignored or talked around (ignored) or made to feel guilty about not being there or doing something. Today a woman I don't remember gives me a warm greeting and says that she doesn't see me around much. Um... I have nothing to do here and fighting with a computer that barely works or staring at the ceiling makes me want to go postal. No one liked when I read at work. It was anti-social. I'm supposed to find money or just sit there but I won't do either. I think this might officially make me a "bad volunteer." I don't think money solves anything (in fact, the promise of it creates its own weird demons) and I'm not just going to find money to dump here. Give me a reason and a focus and I'll run with it. They have neither and so I tend not to go for long. And when I'm there I feel like shit. Quite the incentive, eh?

The NGO I work for was all excited about applying for a grant through the embassy. They've wanted to before only it was out of their league. Still is. They are hellbent on applying for what might be the most competitive grant competition in the country. I explain that it's a large program. I explain that they need a proven history doing whatever it is they want to get funded for. I explain the competition. I explain that you can't just throw this together. I explain and explain and explain and explain. They want to do a project for women. Apparently a woman on the committee really likes those. I'd imagine she really likes solid proposals too, but they aren't after that. It's a women's project and we'll write it... in under a month. This translates into: Jen writes it. They think of educating people about anti-discrimination laws. How? Why? Who? How does one get such a message across effectively? Why are we qualified to do this? Why does one need money to do this? These questions are not answered. They cannot explain. This went on for over an hour. They're thinking on it. I explain to them that they are at the stage in organizational development where they need to have ideas that the community and the organization need and have them prepared for when a call for proposals presents itself. They need to stop concocting projects when they see grant offers. They understand that better organizations do this, but they are caught in the hand-to-mouth poverty loop. No planning. No foresight. Just going after what you need right now.

I feel like I am stuck in both places. I can't seem to make them understand larger things. Strategy. Planning. Organization. Critical thinking. I'm struggling to know where to go with this. Some days I could see myself doing a third year. Some days I want on a plane immediately.

Today is a plane day.