Honesty and Confusion

I've hesitated to write again here because I attempt to be honest in my writing and I'm not quite sure what I'm feeling these days. People ask and I answer, providing the standard "I did the right thing" answer. It's honest, I do think it was time to part, but just because something is right doesn't mean it's easy.

With every major change comes a door opening to new potentials, but it also included a closing of another door - however muted - of experiences and a life that are now... inaccessible. Changing one's life involves both doors and any honest answer from someone who's undergone a major life change should include responses to both. I suppose at this moment I'm still standing still, taking in the changes and not sure what to feel or do about either. It's the overwhelming nature of being momentarily... normal.

I left behind a lot of bad. At a certain point I felt like my life was toxic and that I was surrounded by people, Bulgarians and Americans alike, who were engaged in self-destruction or at the very least actively ignoring the existential calls to take control of their lives. Daily I felt I was enabled and enabling stagnation. Sadness and depression met a dozen virtual shoulders who helped me point to situations causing me to be or do what ever I was, or was not. Negativity was everywhere and I was drowning in it. Positivity seemed to be based on old crutches and habits - enabling and enabled. As I tend to do in my life, when I know I need to get out of a situation and am not sure how to do it gently, I just broke it. Leaving was so amazingly healthy.

This is not to say that I left nothing good. I never got a farewell visit to my host family. I miss my NGO counterparts and know that I'm miss seeing that organization change and flourish. I miss chatting with certain friends daily, sharing the experience with them. We co-occupied the trench and had a camaraderie because of it. I'll doubt my decision everytime someone tells me of a hiking or visiting weekend or traveling adventures. I'll know I'm missing that and wonder what I'm missing it for.

It seems impossible that I'm not in my old blok apartment and living that life. My leaving caused at least a few to think about their own decisions to stay. My old friends have justified why they stay, something that's really a personal choice. My abrupt departure and vocalized discontent made it seem like I was judging why others stay. I'm not. I haven't. Honestly, I don't fully understand it - given what it is - but it's not my judgment call and not my life. No one outside a relationship truly knows what's in it, be that relationship between two people or between a person and aspects of his/her life. I am curious why people stay - curious beyond the standard answers. Curious how people answer the questions I couldn't. Curious about what they are getting from it. People don't give something and expect nothing in return. Handing over one's life is quite a large something... and the return is just as large (not SHOULD be, but IS). I'm curious about those honest answers, though I'm not sure if I'd get them. I'm curious not to make a judgment, but to better understand human motives - one of my deepest pursuits.

The door opening is a door to a new city, a new job, a new name and a new me. I can jump wherever and do whatever. Infinite possibilities. It's startling and terrifying and exhilarating and exhausting. I left because I knew I wasn't in the right place and doing the right thing. I knew the Real Me was elsewhere and that's all I needed to leave. I'd like to know where she is though. I have this nesting dream of finding her and creating a stable, stationary life. It's what I want, or at least what I want to want. A close friend this week called me a rolling stone - something I never really saw myself as, but I think her case is better developed than mine. I move every few years. I get comfortable and then get...out. I don't understand people who "want to be happy" - I've always felt like we don't have much in common. I want to question. To explore. To feed my curiosity. To push. To dare. In my mind, the pursuit of happiness often works against other - greater - pursuits. First step is realizing the next step isn't about where I want to land, but where/how I want to grow. Second step is deciding where/how I want to grow. It seems like it's as simple as getting out a resume and cover letter, but (at least for me) it's a bigger question.

Those stupid bigger questions got me into this mess. They'll get me out of it... and into another. I want to not be that person, but I'm really quite fond of her. She's who I am and most likely who I'll always be. What's the profession for a complicating, over-analyzing, excessive thinking, troublemaker? I hope there are a few answers because I'll probably explore them all in due time, but now I'm just startled by the change in winds... and that I'm the one who caused the change.