Typecasting...myself

I've mentioned that I believe people join the Peace Corps to help others, but to mainly help themselves. We've all jumped out of a life of comfort (varying degrees, of course) and safety to the great unknown to wrestle with things. I am most certainly no exception. The two biggest things I've come to tackle here are my perceptions of myself (and how they limit me) and the roles that I play (and how they limit me). How I see myself helps determine the roles I play, and my roles help influence how I see myself. It's all a big, nasty, circular mess. That's what I'm here for.

I've shed some of my roles and I'm working on others. If I can get out of even a few self-doubts and confining roles in my two years, it will be two years well spent (personally well spent ...Professionally? I'm still not sure about that). One of my trickiest struggles is with gender. On one hand, I think it's fun and I like playing with it a bit - not being "the girl". On the other hand, I think it's scary, uncharted territory. By not being "the girl" I've often been one of the guys. By often, I mean pretty much always. It started in the 3rd grade. Tony, Gary, Chris and I played ball together and eventually Tony and I became closer friends. Then, one day, Tony started talking to me about Sandy and how pretty and great she was. And I listened, as friends do, gave advice, didn't say that she was a twit...whatever. That was the beginning of my non-Sandy career. I've been trying to shed it ever since.

There've been many Tonys - some I was attracted to, some I wasn't. But the end is pretty much the same: "you're a great friend...so there's this Sandy character..." It happens too often. I know it's my fault. I have to own that. I just need to figure out why - what do I do to cause this? I act like myself and am honest about who I am. I don't like games. I let my personality represent myself. These are all good things, and things I don't intend to change. But there are bad things I do too: I don't have a lot of physical self-confidence, so I hide in non-descript clothes and tuck myself away whenever I can. I don't flirt - ever. I play one of the guys, or at least the non-girl. A friend said to me the other day, "you emit this 'just the friend' scent and I see all of this charm and beauty and energy and desire, but you let them pat you on the back like one of the boys." She's right, I do.

I do other things too, things that are a mixed bag - they're things that I do and feel honestly but I know hinder me in some way. I rarely am initially attracted to a guy. I can't even remember the last time I was. It's possible for me to find a guy physically attractive and not have any attraction to him. I need time. I need to know him. I need to see his character in his face, in his movements, before I know. I'd like him to see and process that way too. I just think most people (men and women) don't. Most people process: attraction, connection, closeness. I do the reverse. I just always have. Can't say that I recommend it.

It's a lot to overcome, but something I know I have to. I can't let this one go - the weight is too much. Where do I start? How do I convince me that I'm *gulp* attractive? What do I do with my current Tonys? How do I prevent future ones? How do I stop being a non-Sandy without becoming a Sandy? Without losing me?