Interdependence

I've been pretty open about all my preconceived notions about what this whole experience would be like. Those notions, though, keep surfacing. One of the major ones I had was that I would come here to be more independent. That I would learn to live from the land and more fully rely on myself for my own well-being. That is the American dream: self-reliance. My destiny, however, has been quite different.

A few days ago I was in a bit of a quote war (that's swapping quotes in rapid fire with another person - think Nerd Fighter) with a friend and I was supplying a lot of quotes by G. B. Shaw - one of my favorite playwrights and thinkers. I came across this quote:

We are all dependent on one another, every soul of us on earth.

I never threw it in to the mix - thinking it too hokey and sentimental. But days after, when all the quotes about society and art and truth had passed from my memory, it was still there. The tsunami and 9/11 were moments in our life where that seemed to be true - the capacity to feel pain and sadness for the loss of strangers was tangible because the number was so great, the event so colossal it was almost surreal. But other than that, we don't want to be connected any more - we strive to be strong and tough and boldly self-defined. I really wanted more of that.

Here I am, in a culture that still values the collective and where self-reliance is really not in the reality of a foreigner. I don't know where things happen. I don't know what the best of anything here is. I don't know how to be polite or even insistent. Beyond gathering the survival basics, I've learned that I need people more than I formerly admitted. My connections, however brief, with family and friends recharge me for a remarkably long time. Sharing my experiences with new friends makes them more meaningful, more fun and more real. Letting people into my world expands it exponentially.

To be perfectly honest, this sharing scares the living hell out of me. In many ways I'd rather learn to live alone, to be more self-sufficient, to not care so much. But I know now that I don't want this because it is better or stronger or more pure - I want it because it's safe. Love, in any form, is not ambivalent - and caring is a hard business.

On another day, a comment from a friend's friend was passed to me: that we all die alone, that we basically live alone and that we, as individuals, are all we really have. I want to agree, as scary as that statement is, but I don't think I do. I think that who we are is out there for people to use and abuse and cherish and adore - and they are out there for us. Perhaps they aren't permanent, but those exchanges - and their potential for greatness - merit our bravery, and should give us more in return.

I've known so many poor matches: people who were overly dependent on someone else, people who allowed themselves to be defined by someone else, people who gave and gave without any expectations, people who made others depend on them. Those matches are part of the reason I wanted to be more "self-reliant" - I didn't want to make those mistakes or be on either side of those equations. But, those pairings are missed shots, followed by the wrongful pursuit of security. Being depended on by someone you also depend on - for something other than scripts and role playing - is like adding another dimension to your world. It's frightening and exhilarating and joyous and mindblowing. We take it with us everywhere - the good and the bad. It is both weight and freedom, rub and gem. As Thoreau said: "The most I can do for my friend is simply be his friend." Opening those doors of exchange is the most I can do for me too.