Finally inviting myself to the party

If you've ever had a conversation with me you know I like to solve the world's problems - or try to. I am a theorist who didn't want to spend her life writing for obscure journals that no one but my poor students read (and they only read them because I made them). I like to solve puzzles. I am often guilty of telling people why something will not work. It makes me seem like the World's Biggest Pessimist. I'm not. Really. I want the answer and I want it so much that I pick holes in every answer presented so that I know if it's not the right one I can keep searching. My external pessimism is internal optimism: the great answer exists, just keep at it.

Being here, in Bulgaria, where everything is just-not-so, I want change. Change, change, change. I want people to understand things can be bigger, better, faster. There can be more. Go! Get out of that comfort zone! Explore! In my head, I admit, my thoughts were of the asshole variety: "Look at me! I did it! I came here!" Yeah, for all you PCVs and future PCVs out there: that's being an asshole. I came here with the backing of the US government, with a job, with housing and salary provided, with access to modern medicine, with a ticket home if I needed it. That's not leaving the comfort zone, that's moving to a different comfort neighborhood. Here's your Whizzo button. You moved.

Comfort zones are more personal, less tangible. It's not about where you are necessarily, but about what you do there. I live in a nice apartment that I've made quite comfortable (those who've seen my old places can imagine). I have good friends here. I live in a fairly cool town, by local standards. I have internet and a cell. I travel. Comfort, comfort, comfort. Not change, change, change.

I came here for change - I've even found a good bit of it. I've been earnestly working on myself for almost 9 months. I'm in a different head space. I'm coming into feeling and being more me than I have in years. I even suspect that I may leave here feeling more like the real me than I ever have... it just requires this next step. True change.

Faithful readers will note that after pushing aside this blog every so often I "recommit" to it. I make it seem like it's a person. An obligation. That's not change for me. I commit to people and to felt obligations all the time (*psst* you can guilt me on just about anything - I'm a pushover like that). That's the old me pretending to be a new me. That's not change - that's smoke and mirrors. Change for me is simple: it's not moving 1/2 way around the world, it's not adding on another task. It's committing. Committing to me. For me.

Why do I keep committing to do this? It's a blog. Lots of people dump their blogs for quite some time. No one dies. It's not a lifeline....wait. It is. For me, yes, it is. I've spent some time thinking this weekend about who I am and who I "wanted to be when I grew up" - I began to wonder if I'm honoring that. My biggest goal in high school was to get out. I wanted that bigger, better, more that I mentioned. I was going to find it. I conscientiously made a choice. I remember making it. It was the 8th grade. I was a straight-A student. I was popular. I was involved in lots of social and extracurricular activities. I loved art and writing. I wanted to never live in poverty again. My mind took over my heart. It told me: you want out? Study, poor people don't get rich through art and writing. I haven't touched a paintbrush since, and my proverbial pen has been all but exclusively reserved for work and academics. As the saying goes, I died a little bit that day.

This blog is a first attempt at resuscitating that girl. That dream. I never dreamed of working at a desk. Of writing reports. Of fluorescent lighting. I never wanted to be a spreadsheet slut when I grew up. In middle school I had a slumber party every year for my birthday. I do not exaggerate when I say that it was the party of the year. Who was invited was a big social call on my part: don't hurt people's feelings, but don't invite the annoying girls either. It started Friday and went until Sunday evening. Non-stop middle school fun. One year I wrote the invitation. It was in the form of a story or something. I don't fully remember. I typed it up and gave it out. It was about 3/4 of a page long. I wish I still had that, as inspiration. Whatever it was, it was laugh-out-loud funny to everyone. People were quoting it for months afterwards. I don't remember the party that year, or whom I invited but I remember writing that invitation and the response it got. That writer - that's who I wanted to be when I grew up.

In high school I was an REM girl. It was the beginning of my obsession with lyrics - poetry with music. I can't imagine that anyone who knew me at that time doesn't associate me with their music - I listened to it all the time. My favorite album was "Life's Rich Pageant". I don't listen to it much these days, but I do recall the richness of the lyrics. In fact, when I was thinking about this post the following verse came to me:

Trust in your calling, make sure your calling's true
Think of others, the others think of you
Silly rule golden words make. Practice - practice makes perfect
Perfect is a fault, and fault lines change

I haven't trusted my calling, although I now think it's true and I forget sometimes that the others think of me....I did practice. I spent many years learning the rules and trying to be perfect only to realize perfection is a fault. Who wants to be perfect? That's damn boring and I have no toleration for boring.

Doing this blog is change - the biggest change I've made in some time. It's not about keeping on task or even about the writing. It's about me - about honoring my calling, what I can and want to be. It's about accepting that I'm not perfect (perhaps even a little messy) and I don't really want to be (I don't want to be messy either, but that's another struggle).

I used to have this rule of thumb that I followed: be where you want to be and be fully present when you're there. If you can't be where you want, do whatever you can to get there. Don't dishonor the people in your life by asking them to help you kill time - truly want to be with them or leave. I've followed the rule fairly well, though there were certain loopholes I gave myself. My dating life has been pretty non-existent -- I was never someplace I didn't want to be, I just wasn't where I wanted. My dating life is still non-existent. There's no external change there, though there has been enormous internal change. For the first time in my life I am single not because I think I am unworthy of being cared for, but because I know I am worthy - of myself foremost. I want to invest in caring for me. In knowing me. I want to develop the richness I know is inside and I want it to be self-defined. I deserve to give myself that - and time for that process. I want to really enjoy my own company (again). I want to be with me.

On the outside I must look the same. Still in Bulgaria, still single, still writing. On the inside though, it's a different ballgame. It's not about proving to people that I can stick it out. It's not about fearing rejection. It's not about just putting words out there. It's about honoring and developing me. Me for me is so new and inviting. Turns out I'm not a total asshole (shut up), change is what I believe in.