The bittersweet daily grind

My municipality is doing repairs for another week and so I am "excused" to work at home for the time being. I went by my other organization today several times and no one was ever there. In short, I had the day off. When you work at a slower pace a day off doesn't seem like a day off at all. Your whole life gets slower and thus a couple hours of tasks takes you all day, making it seem like "work". Life may be in bold italics, but verbs are usually in quotes here. My day was filled with emailing, buying new basil plants, going to the center, dishes, laundry....and that's it. It was my whole day. I really don't know how. In fact, it's 9pm and I just got around to having dinner. I never even got around to repoting the plants.

I've become a little too skilled at killing time here. It's a part of life I've never endorsed or enjoyed. I enjoy going to bed at the end of a long, hard day and knowing I really earned the rest I am about to have - and what a sound rest it is. My rest lately hasn't been so sound - not so much because of anguish, but because of days like today - the difference between being awake and going to sleep isn't that much different - just at a different angle. I've enjoyed exploring life without being professionally absorbed or driven, but in the end it really does matter. I mean, I don't want to operate or be motivated by people's expectations or opinions, but pushing myself and my work forward IS rewarding - and it's rewarding for the right reasons. It's rewarding because I see things changing and developing - and I allow myself to do the same. I don't feel like I get that here - I'm not kept on my professional or intellectual toes. My brain is indeed getting quite mushy these days. ...Psst. And I think I'm getting a little bit boring in the process.

The problem here, to be perfectly honest, isn't a lack of work (I even have several large projects moving forward). The problem is a lack of motivation. I work on my projects well...enough. And I do this blog thing...sometimes. And I read and explore and do things I like to do...on occasion. For an obsessive, motivated person I am quite undisciplined and sloppy. The tug-of-war there is endlessly frustrating. When I do commit to doing something and do it like a habit, it becomes tiresome and I become like a machine, just going through the motions. There's a certain joy that sloppiness and inconsistency allow one to have.

Can I commit to something and make it a part of my daily life without feeling like it's sucking the life out of me? Isn't that the question of my generation??