Dysfunction Junction

Looking at my lifespan I've had a number of dysfunctional relationships of varying types and degrees. This does not make me special. My current most dysfunctional and co-dependent relationship is... with this laptop. It's become my life and my blood and the vast majority of my friends are now, literally, two-dimensional. I no longer see people or hear them, but if I'm in the other room and IM messages are arriving, I can tell by the pattern of the beeps who the messages are from. Sad. Sick and sad.

My connection with my town leaves something to be desired and I am quickly learning, with the help of a sitemate who's had no problem being welcomed here, that the problem might just be with me. Initially I'm rather shy and I'm still bashful with the language (even after a year - what's my problem?!). I have extrovert tendencies, but only after I warm up to people, and... well... I've been attached to this computer a little too much to warm up to most people. I've not really explored doing things here, often due to just feeling weird and nervous about doing things solo. No one in the States would have ever accused me of lacking initiative and self-confidence, but somehow it's a part of me that I've lost or forgotten about. Peace Corps does that sometimes. A little too often, in fact.

It becomes very comfortable and satisfying to come home to a host of people online wanting to chat. People you know quite well and are connecting with more and more each day. And there are friends and family back home that I miss and keep in contact with. With the exception of a handful of people, everyone I know and care about I connect with via internet. This... this THING has become my portal to companionship and understanding. I've really not given people much of a chance here and I'm sorely regretting it. Not only because I'm missing out on actually living here but because I've just become not so present in my life. I chat a lot, but... well, I don't have a lot to chat about. Once upon a time in a far away land, I chatted with people a lot less and had a lot more to tell them when I did. Coincidence? Probably not.

I need to do more things and get out of the apartment more and stay in town more (add that to the list from yesterday - oiy!). I feel like I've missed a lot of what I came here for. A lot of life. And a lot of me too.