The great blogging silence

I've kinda fallen in love with blogs, well, good ones. I love that the artificial distance encourages people to be more open and honest and just put themselves on the line for all to judge. Recently, many blogs (including my own) have been absent of significant new entries. I know some of the people in the blogs I read and I know this is generally not for the lack of news or changes. Most people's lives are actually changing quite rapidly. Call it regaining one's life in the late 20s or early 30s. Call it the response to dealing with a redefining world. Call it the beginning of the returning Age of Aquarius. But whatever you call it, note that it's happening.

My own life these past few weeks has been a whirlwind of monotony, if that's possible. I set the ball rolling to major changes in my life (and was dealt more) and these weeks have been basically about, well, administering those changes. Today, for example, I had not a moment to spare between 10:30am and 9pm. What did I do? Not a lot. Worked out, a meeting, dinner, grocery shopping, online stuff and...that's it. I chip away at the things I need to do. I can only look at my to do list in terms of weeks because there's no way I can finish one of the massive things I need done in a day. So, weeks go by and people asked what I've been up to. A lot and not so much.

Returning from Peace Corps can be quite frustrating. Returning from a rather hellish existence makes one realize what is needed and wanted - and unneeded and surely unwanted. I've returned being less consumed with news and gossip and more concerned about me and my needs and boundaries. Some of this is healthy, some is... well, needed in my current state. I find myself talking about my own issues and concerns more than those of friends. I can only give you vague ideas about what's going on in the lives of the people I know because nearly ounce of me has been dedicated to keeping it together, staying focused and minimizing the breakdowns. I've been a great friend to myself recently, but not such a good one to others.

I'm usually the listener and the rock and the confidant offering empathy and a shoulder. I still have those things to offer, but I offer them less. Yes, of course part is due to my own need for self care, but part is due to something else. It's hard to take steps toward recognizing your life isn't your own, your 'support' is mainly crutches and addictions and that you have a duty to yourself to live up to your potential... it's hard to do these things and not expect the same from others. It is, of course, the other person's choice, but how involved do I want to be with someone who chooses not to? I'm not sure. How does one stop being an addict if one is surrounded by addicts? What's self-righteous and what's pro-actively taking control of one's surroundings? I find myself refusing to engage in old games and negative interactions, creating distance and perhaps even some confusion. For those still in PCVland - you don't just fit back into your old life. But, if you were really so happy with it would you have left it? Probably not. Redefining, or even just finally defining, relations is both troubling and rewarding. Mainly troubling in the beginning...but, still, who among us doesn't need it?

It's difficult to communicate with people who, daily, take great strides in maintaining their lives when I only inch toward changing my own. Disconnect. It causes me to be silent and distant...and sleepless. I chose to walk the reentry path on my own. My silence is because I'm in the process of sorting my ideals, beliefs and internal rhetoric. They are thoughts that never leave my head, and unless you're there for the whole conversation, it's probably just less confusing to be told the ending.

...or perhaps I just need to order the shit enough to convey it. That's a possibility.