Prepare to qualify

The date's been set. As of Saturday I'll be in Illinois on my way to Chicago. Though the road trip could be done in a day, nine hours of driving is a bit much. Plus, sadly, I'm looking forward to my night alone in a roadside hotel. I just want some time to be alone for a bit and just enjoy the progress I've made.

I'll arrive in Chicago on Sunday, exactly three months after leaving my sentence with the Peace Corps. I miss friends, but... not the experience. It's hard to believe it's been three months. It's hard to believe I've lived with my mom that long and haven't been committed. I've gone through quite a bit since leaving. Most of it has been mental and emotional processing. Like with all moves, you need to spend the time sorting what comes along and what gets ditched. I've inherited a new father, or learned that my 'real' one is not who I thought; become an aunt for the fourth time; learned that I'll be one for the fifth time in the fall; waded through the mounds of paperwork that American life produces (still having more to do); caught up with a few friends... It's hard to think that it took three months. My family has a knack for making emergencies, or at least urgencies. It seems like I've been in one since I arrived. Everything must be done right away, although at the end of the day I'm never sure what's been done. My family is the Black Hole of Time.

I'm leaving here soon, as much because it's just time to move on as because I need to once again break from the cycle of victimization that people here live in and because... I'm restless. I need a new challenges and new people and new explorations and room to grow. Things that aren't here. I'm feeling both calm and frayed by my choice of moves. I know Chicago is the right lifestyle city for me, but I keep coming up with blanks about jobs... I feel like a career is still out of reach. I keep getting signs large and small that DC would be a more 'rational' choice. Connections... schooling... experience. I just can't picture a life there among the cube dwellers longing for a U-shaped desk and a door. Among the people who think they were destined to rule with theories and Blackberries from a distance. Among people who think they are RIGHT. When I see DC in my head, I see all the is wrong with America. Perhaps I just have a problem with authority.

One thing I wanted to do before I left KC, both to close this blog and to give closure to my experience with Peace Corps, was to write a final commentary on it all. I still have yet to do that, and I need to. There's so much there - so much that I think and feel about the whole experience. The writer and humanist in me has tons to say, but the consultant/policy wonk in me has just as much. It's all tangled. I have pages of notes that I need some peace to sort through. Perhaps it'll be my Holiday Inn fun. Perhaps I should stay more than one night. I could use it. Just to be calm and alone. Is it lame to vacation in a rural interstate hotel? Maybe I could move in and manage it... probably not qualified though.