Why celebrities save us

Long ago I got out of the habit of talking about work. It just seemed like I should have better things to talk about (and I did) and that defining myself based on my work was a bad idea (and it is). I just tend to talk about other things. Here, unfortunately, there are a only handful of topics to discuss: work, daily activities, self, what you read/see, other volunteers... There are only so many times one can tell stories of chores and how the language or cultural barrier complicated them before they become stale; you tend to see and read what most others here have (and what people back home did months ago); talking about other volunteers is...messy. More or less, one is left with work and self as primary discussion topics.

In the last two weeks I've had quite a number of successes with my NGO, often attached to good stories. While I've had some experience with smaller successes, I must admit I haven't had significant experiences with larger ones here. I've had ideas implemented, helped write projects that received funding and made people think about things differently, but only now are the benefits of those changes becoming apparent and shaping even more changes. This might actually be working.

In having these successes I've found something odd here in the dynamics of PCVland: happiness can be very isolating. You can have a mental breakdown, be depressed for months at a time, fail at any number of things or majorly screw up nearly anything and people will stand by and support you. However, this is the Ego China Shop and success is a raging bull that threatens to smash everything in sight. The questions start arising: if one person can do it why can't I? What explains that success and the lack of one with me? Do I measure up? In a kind of false bravado, people construct all kinds of reasons why something happened in one place but not with them, almost always depending on the Luck Defense. In fact, all towns and people we work with are different, but people still make of them what they can (or want to) and having that work packaged into a luck-based explanation (or simply undercut in some not-so-indirect way) is disheartening. It's best to just keep these things to yourself.

This and some other observations have led me to recently withdrawing from group functions and from most other volunteers. In addition to not wanting to drown in my own unhappiness, I also have become increasingly discomforted by the apparent social order people have either grown accustomed to or seek. It seems as though many aren't looking for friends who are equals (with successes and failures that don't necessarily coincide), but rather friends who can bask in the glory of their light. My successes or failures have on multiple occasions supported or threatened an unstated social order. I didn't come here to be Barbie to a sea of Skippers, and I sure as hell didn't come here to be Skipper.

With the lines between professional and personal lives being non-existent among volunteers it's difficult to determine when to be supportive/cooperative and when to be competitive. I struggled with that myself, especially in the beginning when my slow-starting nature seemed like it wouldn't get me anywhere at all. The success of others really was difficult to not place on some mental score card where I seemed to be the perpetual underdog. What I've done at this point doesn't add up to a year of "American" work and might not even compare to the accomplishments of others, but... I'm not here for that anymore. Somewhere along the way I lost my self-confidence and self-assured nature. Fortunately (for me), I found it again. I look in the mirror and know what I've done and haven't done. I try and then succeed or fail - either way I get something out of it and remain in tact. Unfortunately, this growth hasn't been universally welcomed.

Despite my "I'm beyond this" tone, I admit to still having struggles. Lots of them. I'm still figuring out things about myself, still growing and changing,still figuring out how to be a better person, still finding Achilles' heels at the most inappropriate times and places. I'm still here to do so much work with myself and with others - journeys best shared with people looking to grow and heal, others comfortable with exposing themselves. However, in a constructed world semi-based on rank and order and filled with fragile egos, who's willing to do that?

Now that work and self are out of the conversation topic list, it doesn't leave much. Got any gossip? Heard the new Death Cab?