Broken lenses

I'm having a hard time recently - letting go and realizing what exactly I need to let go of. There's quite a lot, I think, I just need to pinpoint it. Primarily, my concern recently is on the relationships in my life - what I give, what I get...and how that all measures up. In short, I'm feeling drained - so drained that I think about skipping off to someplace random and parking it for a couple weeks to refuel and regroup. Someplace where I'm left alone.

I feel that I sign on for people's journeys - good and bad, great and small, I want to be there to share in the experiences of the people I'm close to and I want to share my experiences with them. However, what if what you buy something different than you thought you were in for? What if you are intentionally sold something false? What does one do then? I'm not the kind of person who walks away, but I'm feeling a little bait-and-switched with a few people. Feeling like the journey I agreed to isn't the one I'm in for. What do you do then? And how do you know? What's a needed detour and what's a blatant parting from course? ...When are you sure that the person is different than what you thought? How much evidence is needed?

Basically, it seems like the afterschool emotion of the season is giving up real, personal human struggles for a good time. There's a Garrison Keiller line that things are "good...enough"- something I don't live by and don't really hang around people who do (or at least I didn't think I did). That's where so many people are. It's good...enough. No point fighting or growing or questioning or contemplating - just enjoy. There's a carpe diem ideology in there someplace, something I know people should value. Seizing the day, however, usually gets translated into something like "just enjoy...what if it's the last day?" It's a philosophy that I've never taken to. I don't think people should live like it's the last day of their lives. Live like life is forever...eternal, non-disposable. Care. Invest. Own. It's harder and not as much "fun" (a word I've never cared for and am coming to hate) but in time you end up with so much more - so much that's richer and fuller and more real than anything you could build in a day.

I've come to wonder what I have in common with people and usually it's that they are builders - people looking at what they have (past and present) and wondering about what to do with it (the future). I'm not the fastest builder or the most efficient one, but the Lego blocks are always moving and I'm always thinking about where they should go. I'm just...I'm finding that this is rarely the case.

I've listened to a lot of people's dreams and fears and problems and just assumed that if people saw them so clearly that they must be willing to do something about them. They must be looking to change and to grow - that's the lens I saw them through. Perhaps it was unfair on my part to jump to those conclusions about their strength and courage...about their humanity. I look back at those old mental pictures and it's as if people had plastic surgery - I barely recognize them at all, but I still don't know what's real and what's not.

Cameras are a funny thing. I've always thought of them as having the ability to capture more than what's there. It's not just about the subject, but how the photographer sees the subject. People take pictures of me and some seem so flattering. Some friends only seem to capture me having a really great time. Others, those pictures seem to show me just as I am. And others still...well, some friends haven't bothered to capture me at all. I wonder how people see me and how accurate that is. And I wonder how clearly I see people - or if I just change the lens to fit my picture preference.