Toward a life owned

Several inquires have arrived in the last month or so - people interested in what I'm doing and how I am, if and when there will be a new blog. I am, for the record, fine. Searching for work that is meaningful and fulfilling without, I hope, completely emptying my bank account in the pursuit. I am loving Chicago and feeling more connected to it each day. Cities, like people, have a tempo and vibe - they feed off certain things and offer others. Certain cities, I think, feel like home and others - regardless of how much time you spend there - will always seem foreign. Chicago, for me, is like that near-rib-cracking hug that you get when an old and dear friend sees you after a long separation - like you'd be more excited if you didn't feel so damn peaceful. Some of my blog sabbatical has involved such distractions as reentering the world of theater-going, long and cleansing walks along the lake and just meeting that mix that Chicago offers - the hearty down-to-earthness mixed with curiosity and a genuine sense of community. After living in a world where people desired to work at city hall forever, it's damn near breathtaking to meet "my" people... people like architects who play the banjo in bluegrass bands... people who want to endlessly learn and grow and become richer and fuller in a sense that goes beyond consumption and stale definitions of success.

Part of my distraction from this site, or the next, is that I'm figuring out what I want from my life and what I'm doing with it. In the job hunt it's all too easy to lose focus on the fact that you are both the seller and the buyer - that you are there as much to see if the fit is for you and you are to convince the interviewer that you are a fit for them. It's easy to forget what it is you're looking for when the first step is being wanted. It's easy to just devolve into wanting to be wanted... something that describes a great many of the life searches I know. After a few months of mental and emotional rest - or something resembling that - I entered the job market and have been in it for about a month. Things are moving forward - frankly, for the time I've been at it, it's going quite nicely. Serious interviews and interests are starting to role in, I'm even expecting an offer from a place that is not 'the one' - or even close to it. I've faced a lot of self-doubt and large questions about whether I should, assuming the offer comes, take it. Advice from friends has been split, often based on their own bias and way of living - it's hard to endorse risk-taking when your own life is security-seeking. What do I want from my life? What do I have, and want, to offer? Where do I want to be in 20 years and how - oh how - will I get there? If I turn down a very good salary and a 'stable' job will I regret it? Would I regret taking it more?

In the process of making all these major, life-changing decisions it falls into place that it would be appropriate to question the relationships and people in one's life as well. And so, I have. Major events in my life have left me to question how people lead their lives and how those choices affect my own. I've been in many friendships where people are hell-bent on destroying themselves. People in that mentality will gladly take the whole team with them. Before it tears you up inside though, you get to live a dichotomous life of choosing to be the silent indirect condoner or the nagging battleaxe. One thing I've learned about myself, and life in general, this last year or so is that you have the relationships you want - or at least those you allow to happen. It is your choice. You can care about people and want great things for them, but if they don't want it for themselves then... well, you just enable them in some way. I don't have to agree with every person's every decision, but I do think I need to feel confident in some way that they are making decisions that are, for them, wise and healthy - ones where they are continuing to grow and learn and not just learn the same damn lessons over and over. Don't just keep broken things around the house under the illusion that you'll fix them - be prepared to make it a project or move on. I'm happy to share my journey with others and to take part in theirs as well, but I'm not prepared to be the only one struggling to move forward. Returning has made me realize what amazing people I have in my life, new and old. Time, like all resources, is limited and if the choice is blood, sweat and tears with those owning their lives and fighting the real fight or having a good time with one of the 'fun' people, well... I think we all know my choice.

And that, dear readers, is what has taken my time away from here: making lots of choices. And so, I'll choose to be better at this.

I am keeping this blog until I feel like I've moved on from Peace Corps. I'd certainly like that to be sooner rather than later, but... well, as I continue to question what the 'new' life will be and what all of this has taught me it seems appropriate to keep the discussion - or what I can muster - here.