My toy brain

The last three days were centered around food. I wasn't gorging myself (God knows the food here isn't that good), but I was shopping for it, preparing it, or eating it for the bulk of the last three days. I've mentioned before how this experience keeps you on the bottom of the hierarchy of needs, but that little fact keeps kicking me in the gut. A friend was here this weekend and after having coffee (slow to boil on my pretend stove), going to lunch (waiting on the pretend staff and then waiting again while someone very, very slowly prepared the pretend food), going to get vegetables at the farmer's market and stopping by the pretend store we sat down for a soda. At that point I realized the time. 4:30 pm.

Like many my age, I'm still a little shocked by the idea that I am a real, live grown-up. It just doesn't seem possible. Responsibility and commitment scare the living crap out of most people in my generation, self included, but there's something about this experience that makes me feel like I am pretending to be a grown-up - as if I am playing house or office or having the dolls for tea. Pretending to be an adult is much more annoying than really being one. Being one, at least for me in the States, involved a lot of ...multi-tasking (a word I always hated, but one that I currently long to live again). I could have friends over for tea. As it was boiling we'd talk, perhaps while I was folding laundry. I'd talk on the phone while doing dishes, pay my bills online over lunch, check my voicemail while walking to work. Juggling wasn't as bad as I thought it was. In fact, it was a lot more fun than playing.

The playing part revolves around this: I don't worry about rent or keeping my job or a performance review or not returning a really important call. There is nothing like that in my day. I go to work and play office like everyone else - as if it's always coffee break time and social hour. There's a certain mindlessness to the filing and other office tasks that says "I don't know what this is for, but I've seen it done." Pretending.

I admit to being a bit of a workaholic. OK. I am one. (Hi, Jen.) I've worked since I was young - babysitting my weekends and summers away, then having 1-3 jobs, then working while going to college...I like being productive. I came here in part to walk away from that, but also in part to be more honest and open to myself...to stop pretending. The Real Me in the Real World wouldn't stay in this job or, if I had to, would have side work or a second job. I like building and accomplishing things. I like to live a full day. I even like to have a life slightly bigger than I can control. Here, I try to feed myself and only end up starving. It's OK. I can pretend.