Luddite tendencies

I've recently separated from my chatterbox programs. Not a complete divorce, but a trial separation. It just seemed like we were growing apart. I was feeling stifled. My past is like this - I've drifted apart from many other partners. I was one of the first to have a nationwide cell phone, roughly the size of a Big Gulp and with a monthly plan that was too much to even think about. However, one day I found myself in the produce aisle answering the question "what are you doing?" to someone far away and I realized I didn't really want to answer that. I happened to like my solo journeys through the leafy greens, and so I returned to them. Another time, I found my constant computer staring at work was capped by going home and turning on the computer there. It was ok until an electrical storm blew my modem and, well, I never fixed it. Those last couple of years were actually nice, everyone quickly adjusted and knew if they wanted to reach me after office hours to call. If I was home, I'd answer. If not, well, I'd call them back.

I've done the same with caller ID, call waiting, voice mail (currently without) and just about every means people have to get in contact with me. I've been known to not even open snail mail for days. I like being independent. I like doing my own thing and I like people not knowing where I am or how to reach me every second of every day. I like having my own life. Unfortunately, there's a PC rule that they should be able to find you whenever the need arises, the computers and connections at work are so bad that I really have to have them at home if I want to use them at all and the landlines aren't reliable (and you can't text on them), so that adds a cell. I could be in a room of a hundred people and it wouldn't make me feel as stifled as a cell phone ringing at the same time there was a ding from an incoming IM. It's strange, I know. I just don't want people to be here, unless they really are here.

In addition, perhaps I am greedy, I want people's full attention. If you can't give it to me now, fine. There will be other times we can talk and I really don't take it personally. BUT, an IM conversation with multi-minute delays, scattered haphazard responses and a feeling that the other party is only partially paying attention...well, that I take personally. I hate it. It's not so scattered that I can do something else, but not so together that it takes all my time. I'm not ADD like so many others in my generation (and after it). I do one thing, I focus, I finish it, I move on. I don't even have music or the TV on right now. The sound of my hands hitting my keyboard and the traffic outside is all the noise I have. When I listen to music, I tend to close my eyes and, um, listen. It's not background, it's an art form. It's supposed to be appreciated...it's a solo act.

I used to keep myself logged into my chatterbox programs, often with an away message, but it came to be that old feeling of being tracked down. There's reassurance in people knowing they can contact you if they need you, but there's also the temptation to reach out whenever boredom strikes and, well, boredom strikes a lot here. It's also nice to be able to contact people when I need them or just want to chat. But...here's the thing I think people miss: when you contact people it should be about them. Not about you. You should want to talk to them - not because you are bored or angry or need someone to talk to, but because you need or want that person. To quote my best friend: "people need to learn how to self-soothe rather than looking to others to fill in their gaps." Amen.

Given that I don't have a home line, cell calls are too expensive and I don't want to be kept on chat all the time, but don't typically mind being seen as available, what should I do? I want to have an agreement pop up that people click on before a chat session with me:

"By engaging in this chat you agree that the chat is conducted out of earnest interest in the other party, agree to give serious attention to the conversation at hand and agree to end it when either of the afore mentioned conditions alter."

I wonder if I could set that up.

I still haven't figured out what to do with the stupid phone though. I leave it in random places a lot, keep it in the other room or in a bag. I don't check it for text messages except for about once a day. Still, I don't like it. The Man can call me on it whenever he wants. And I thought sudden company in the veggie aisle was bad.