This killing time is killing me... (-Clint Black)

There often seems to be a bit of a time warp here. The days drag, but time also seems to wiz by. I both can't believe I've already been here for a year and think that this day will never end. After a couple of what I'd call near anxiety attacks, reestablishing my habit of sanity walks and a lot of thinking, I've determined the bizarro time isn't so bizarro at all. See, there's this habit that's easy to get into when you live in a culture that sits in cafes for hours with a shot of espresso and a pack of cigarettes. That habit is killing time. There's no rush for anything. Nothing is waiting and if it is, it's in no rush either. There's no rush for anything. It'll happen when it happens. Unless it doesn't, and that's ok too.

As Americans we are very disciplined, or at least we think we are. We are used to coming into work at a certain time (sometimes running errands or going to the gym before even arriving) and having to-do lists and checking things off and going to meetings with agendas and...just having goals and a point to the actions of the day. What happens when that goes away? What does one do then? What happens is we find all kinds of ways to occupy ourselves, typically to amuse ourselves. Movies and card games and web surfing and online chatting and cleaning and wandering and staring into space and...oh, you get the idea. Luckily, it means we are assimilating into the culture. Unluckily (and non-grammatically), it means we are also going a weeeee batty in the process. Self included.

Much like being unemployed, the thought of free days is liberating and fun at first. Eventually though, when left to our own devices we don't...well...we don't really do much. It's sad, but true. I look back at the last year and I realize that I've convinced myself that it's flown by because I have so little to show for it. I would have done everything I've done in the last year in no more than 2 months in New York...and I would have even watched more movies there!

This weekend was, on paper, an R&R weekend. I really did need time alone and I do have a fondness for vegging and reconnecting with my homebody roots. However, what the weekend really served as was time for me to get some shit straightened out and my ass in gear to actually, I don't know, DO SOMETHING. Granted, I am not sure what exactly that is, but an inbox with less than 100 unreplyed-to messages, a not-so-outdated blog, a cleaner apartment, long walks and some good viewing were part of it.

Daily I am still not sure what I am supposed to be doing at work (though I think I do just as much as other people...if you count my worrying, I do double), but even if I can't solve that I don't intend to just kill time anymore. Well, ok, at least not so much.