Avoidance

When I neared the end of my New York tenure, I envisioned a life of politics and policy, a DC apartment and jogging along with all the others. Something about all the navy and beige suits, standard haircuts and general homogeneity - not to mention the workaholic I-am-what-I-do mentality - filtered into signing up for Peace Corps and bypassing the need to decide right away. When all else fails, just avoid.

Yesterday I stopped avoiding and after nearly three hours of phone interviews, I was whisked off to DC to wow the office in person. The treatment was first class - great hotel room, free air fare and meals, cars to and from the airports. Even the people were kind and lovely. I wow'ed as best as I could and kept the energy level as high as I could muster, but something wasn't fitting. From the moment I stepped off the plane I was just reminded how... plastic it all is. Inhabited primarily by people passing through as leisurely tourists on vacation or professional tourists building a career, the streets and buildings lack any real character or charm. A gritless city. Places that come close to being interesting or unique give off the distinct feeling that they are a product of a focus group or a copy of a copy of a great idea. Day or night, the District appeared to be populated with people in suits and ties or their slackerdly cousin, the polo and khakis ensemble - something that seemed so glaring coming from a town where people can be seen going to work in ballcaps and flipflops.

Coming from a city where everyone seems to take themselves with a grain of salt, where serving on a community board or volunteering is quite common and where every apartment seems to be in a neighborhood that's within walking distance of something great, the seriousness of people's self-interest in 'serving' national causes from their suburban dwellings was not particularly alluring, bordering on non-human.

While the specifics are interesting (including a wardrobe malfunction leaving my breasts exposed all over Constitution Ave), you know I tend to get something more general from experiences and this is no exception. There are two major things connecting people who join Peace Corps - the interest in becoming a part of something greater and the interest in leaving something. The rhetoric that is spewed emphasizes the former but not the latter. On a personal level, remembering the latter is all too important.

When we return it's all too easy to walk back into old places, to see old faces and to pick up where we left off with only a momentary lapse - like a needle on a record that skips but keeps playing the same recognizable song. We left in many ways to let ourselves grow and expand and to step back far enough to realize why what we had wasn't enough. I assume there are a few who find that is was enough and just learn to gain appreciation for it - but I think those cases are few and far between. It's important to keep this goal in mind - the goal of a fresh start - because returning is its own bewildering journey and it's so easy to just find comfort in the old haunts, the old habits... the old rut. Without taking the time to figure out what one wants, where and all the other assorted details its so easy to pick up the default choices and return to a non-jarring, non-growing, non-threatening life. In the period of one's life where they most want and need safety, the challenge is, well, to avoid it.

Toward a life owned

Several inquires have arrived in the last month or so - people interested in what I'm doing and how I am, if and when there will be a new blog. I am, for the record, fine. Searching for work that is meaningful and fulfilling without, I hope, completely emptying my bank account in the pursuit. I am loving Chicago and feeling more connected to it each day. Cities, like people, have a tempo and vibe - they feed off certain things and offer others. Certain cities, I think, feel like home and others - regardless of how much time you spend there - will always seem foreign. Chicago, for me, is like that near-rib-cracking hug that you get when an old and dear friend sees you after a long separation - like you'd be more excited if you didn't feel so damn peaceful. Some of my blog sabbatical has involved such distractions as reentering the world of theater-going, long and cleansing walks along the lake and just meeting that mix that Chicago offers - the hearty down-to-earthness mixed with curiosity and a genuine sense of community. After living in a world where people desired to work at city hall forever, it's damn near breathtaking to meet "my" people... people like architects who play the banjo in bluegrass bands... people who want to endlessly learn and grow and become richer and fuller in a sense that goes beyond consumption and stale definitions of success.

Part of my distraction from this site, or the next, is that I'm figuring out what I want from my life and what I'm doing with it. In the job hunt it's all too easy to lose focus on the fact that you are both the seller and the buyer - that you are there as much to see if the fit is for you and you are to convince the interviewer that you are a fit for them. It's easy to forget what it is you're looking for when the first step is being wanted. It's easy to just devolve into wanting to be wanted... something that describes a great many of the life searches I know. After a few months of mental and emotional rest - or something resembling that - I entered the job market and have been in it for about a month. Things are moving forward - frankly, for the time I've been at it, it's going quite nicely. Serious interviews and interests are starting to role in, I'm even expecting an offer from a place that is not 'the one' - or even close to it. I've faced a lot of self-doubt and large questions about whether I should, assuming the offer comes, take it. Advice from friends has been split, often based on their own bias and way of living - it's hard to endorse risk-taking when your own life is security-seeking. What do I want from my life? What do I have, and want, to offer? Where do I want to be in 20 years and how - oh how - will I get there? If I turn down a very good salary and a 'stable' job will I regret it? Would I regret taking it more?

In the process of making all these major, life-changing decisions it falls into place that it would be appropriate to question the relationships and people in one's life as well. And so, I have. Major events in my life have left me to question how people lead their lives and how those choices affect my own. I've been in many friendships where people are hell-bent on destroying themselves. People in that mentality will gladly take the whole team with them. Before it tears you up inside though, you get to live a dichotomous life of choosing to be the silent indirect condoner or the nagging battleaxe. One thing I've learned about myself, and life in general, this last year or so is that you have the relationships you want - or at least those you allow to happen. It is your choice. You can care about people and want great things for them, but if they don't want it for themselves then... well, you just enable them in some way. I don't have to agree with every person's every decision, but I do think I need to feel confident in some way that they are making decisions that are, for them, wise and healthy - ones where they are continuing to grow and learn and not just learn the same damn lessons over and over. Don't just keep broken things around the house under the illusion that you'll fix them - be prepared to make it a project or move on. I'm happy to share my journey with others and to take part in theirs as well, but I'm not prepared to be the only one struggling to move forward. Returning has made me realize what amazing people I have in my life, new and old. Time, like all resources, is limited and if the choice is blood, sweat and tears with those owning their lives and fighting the real fight or having a good time with one of the 'fun' people, well... I think we all know my choice.

And that, dear readers, is what has taken my time away from here: making lots of choices. And so, I'll choose to be better at this.

I am keeping this blog until I feel like I've moved on from Peace Corps. I'd certainly like that to be sooner rather than later, but... well, as I continue to question what the 'new' life will be and what all of this has taught me it seems appropriate to keep the discussion - or what I can muster - here.