Goal Orientation

Big press release: I'm goal oriented. Sometimes it gives me focus, sometimes it just makes me question everything. Secretly, it can drive me crazy, but it has its uses. Like now. It helps me sort through what I want to do and figure out how to do it. It helps me think (and often helps me over think - not good). Here are some of my current goals and some ideas about how to do them (Putting goals in writing is also good. It helps me see them. And I know that once released people will ask me about it, which holds me to them):

1. Seriously do something everyday that scares the hell out of me.
2. Commit to learning the language by learning 20 words a day, seeing my tutor more often and speaking more.
3. Stop complaining about not having work and start looking for it. Start finding it!
4. Visit a volunteer in another town at least once a month, preferably not just repeating the same locations.
5. Join a gym, eventually go to fitness classes. I need to get back in shape (after not working out for 6 months!) and I think it's a good place to meet people - it's best to meet people who like doing what you like to do.
6. Stop complaining about Peace Corps to random people and start sending my complaints and suggestions to HQ, where someone will possibly do something about it!
7. Listen to more music! I love music and have been introduced to some new, really great stuff. It's a great energy and thought source.
8. Read more. I came here with a reading list and have barely touched it. Crying shame.
9. Take inventory of my day. Remember the bad AND the good.
10. Stop complaining so damn much!
11. Remember and honor the goals I set in the beginning:

• Laugh deeply and often.
• Affect and be affected.
• Acknowledge and appreciate joy.
• Explore and expand in every way.
• Establish and challenge personal truths.

Protons and Electrons

I'm getting old. At least older. It sucks. I forget things. I walk into rooms and by the time I get there I forget why I went in the first place. I lose my keys and various parts of my winter outerwear. I frantically look for my scarf only to realize it's on my neck. But, sometimes, out of the mental murk, come random facts - at least I thought for a long time they were random. Now, I think they're my subconscious throwing crap at me saying "Hel-lo! Let's go already!"

Today, as I sat to write in my blog, in yet another attempt to make this habitual, I thought about what to write. And from the depths of my delusion came this: proton, electron. What?! I'm 28 (nearly 29) and despite my high school dedication to science (and a promise to my physics teacher to continue it), I haven't taken a serious science course in *gulp* almost a decade. Where did this come from?! As I have accepted the challenge (somewhat begrudgingly) of wrestling with the pests that populate my psyche I had to ask what this was, what it meant. So, thinking back, and digging through the mental cobwebs, I recall that protons are positively charged and reside in nucleus. Electrons are negatively charged and circle the nucleus. OK, so still....What the hell?!

Giving myself a moment before I call the medical officer and ask for some nice pills, I realize that it makes sense. Well, at least to me. See, the core is positive and all the crap circling it can be negative, but it's still positive. Granted, generally, this all balances out to neutrality - like some kind of atomic Valium - but the image I delivered to myself (thanks, self!) was that the core is positive. Duh.

There's this song/"commencement speech" that has been around for awhile. I recalled that today too (self, you rock!) . It's sort of cheesy-inspirational, but hell, at some point who's to decline inspiration?! The following lines catch me today:

• Do one thing every day that scares you.
• Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.
• Don't waste your time on jealousy.
• Remember compliments you receive.
• Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life.
• Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.
• Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on.
  

I need to work on a few of these, and a few of the others too.
My protons need a lot of work, but they're still my center.

*Link above is to the text mentioned and two very worthy parodies.*

Topsy-Turvy

Friendships in the Peace Corps are a odd breed. Don't get me wrong - the people here are some of the bravest, most interesting, most caring people I've ever had the pleasure of meeting and befriending. I've been here but six months, and I feel like I've known several people for a lifetime, just like the propaganda said I would. But things are out of order. You see people in their most uncomfortable, at their worst, almost right from the start. Nervousness, frustration, sadness, anger, resignation, disorientation all find a way to jump from the back of the head to the eyes almost instantly. It bonds people. You quickly learn who to lean on, who can (and will) discuss issues at length with you, who takes your mind away from your problems, who "gets it". You share and share some more, yet there's still more to share. You know people's secrets, their worst fears and memories, their insecurities, their drawbacks - and you still adore them, and they you. The fact that it happens, and so quickly, makes it all feel magical. And it is. Those bonds and links and trust are real. They are hyper-connections.

But sharing your darkness constantly, and receiving someone else's, creates an abyss. You can get lost there - and hearing a familiar, comforting voice just keeps you from realizing you're falling further and further. Some of that falling is necessary. Some of it is inertia. It's hard to stop - all of those things you're feeling (nervousness, frustration, sadness, anger, resignation, disorientation - among others) are real - because the line between honoring those feelings and feeding them is so incredibly unclear. I believe in honoring feelings, and generally I think I am, but I have also become guilty of feeding them.

I had an online chat with Ellen the other day that really helped me (thanks, El!) think about who I am and what I am doing. She reminded me of why I'd made some of my life choices. It sounds funny, but I had honestly forgotten. So willing to admit cowardice, I'd forgotten that I'd chosen some roads with great thought and courage. I told Ellen of the shadows and ghosts I'd shared with people here and she pointed out that if in six months people knew all those things that there was no way they could also know what was truly great about me. She's right. Lost in my abyss, I'd forgotten what was great about me - how could I share it if I couldn't even see it myself?!

There is a dark cavern in me, at times it can be quite large, but it's not an abyss. It has a beginning and an end, even if I haven't found it. I know I have great things to share and great people in my life. I know I have talent and heart. I know I try to honor my feelings, even if they are messy, confusing and sometimes completely overwhelming. I know that I am growing and transforming instead of settling and quietly dying, even if it feels like I'm self-administering a root canal. I know that I can do this.

I will still explore my darkness, and still look for and cherish friends who are willing to help me explore it and who want to include me in their own journeys. However, I want to also remember what I'm good at - what I'm great at. I want to remember what I really like about me. I want to share that. I want to see other people's greatness too. It took me six months, but I am finally ready to see people's good side. I'm hungry for greatness.