The bittersweet daily grind

My municipality is doing repairs for another week and so I am "excused" to work at home for the time being. I went by my other organization today several times and no one was ever there. In short, I had the day off. When you work at a slower pace a day off doesn't seem like a day off at all. Your whole life gets slower and thus a couple hours of tasks takes you all day, making it seem like "work". Life may be in bold italics, but verbs are usually in quotes here. My day was filled with emailing, buying new basil plants, going to the center, dishes, laundry....and that's it. It was my whole day. I really don't know how. In fact, it's 9pm and I just got around to having dinner. I never even got around to repoting the plants.

I've become a little too skilled at killing time here. It's a part of life I've never endorsed or enjoyed. I enjoy going to bed at the end of a long, hard day and knowing I really earned the rest I am about to have - and what a sound rest it is. My rest lately hasn't been so sound - not so much because of anguish, but because of days like today - the difference between being awake and going to sleep isn't that much different - just at a different angle. I've enjoyed exploring life without being professionally absorbed or driven, but in the end it really does matter. I mean, I don't want to operate or be motivated by people's expectations or opinions, but pushing myself and my work forward IS rewarding - and it's rewarding for the right reasons. It's rewarding because I see things changing and developing - and I allow myself to do the same. I don't feel like I get that here - I'm not kept on my professional or intellectual toes. My brain is indeed getting quite mushy these days. ...Psst. And I think I'm getting a little bit boring in the process.

The problem here, to be perfectly honest, isn't a lack of work (I even have several large projects moving forward). The problem is a lack of motivation. I work on my projects well...enough. And I do this blog thing...sometimes. And I read and explore and do things I like to do...on occasion. For an obsessive, motivated person I am quite undisciplined and sloppy. The tug-of-war there is endlessly frustrating. When I do commit to doing something and do it like a habit, it becomes tiresome and I become like a machine, just going through the motions. There's a certain joy that sloppiness and inconsistency allow one to have.

Can I commit to something and make it a part of my daily life without feeling like it's sucking the life out of me? Isn't that the question of my generation??

A piss poor balancing act

One thing I like about my writing is its ability to tie together, swing wide and then come back and neatly make a narrow point. It requires some focus and some thought. It requires that I be able to do that in my life first, and then in my writing. Recently, as the last entry just mentioned, I lack a certain focus and balance - everywhere. After one of the best weekends I can remember, I spent the majority of today on a bus only to come home to a horrendously dirty apartment and a load of emails. Following one step behind my life.

When I worked fast food and at a movie theater during high school I got to the point where I could predict what meal someone would order or what movie they wanted to see or that they wanted extra butter but a Diet Coke. It was a game I played with myself and sometimes I liked to freak customers out by starting to punch in what they wanted before they even said anything. Part of it was my interest in human nature and in patterns (my personal definition of intuition is "accurate stereotyping"). Part of it was boredom. I think a lot when I'm bored with the outside world (the world in my head is very developed at this point, trust me) and customer service jobs are just about as boring as the outside world can get. Right now though the outside world has taken up camp in my head - I'm having enough trouble just keeping up with it, much less processing anything. My down time is about exhaustion or about preparing for the next thing, not chewing on the pieces of my life to see what's in them.

Peace Corps is about a lot of things, some of which I think I do not yet even know, but one of those things is trying on different life choices and seeing how they fit. I'm trying on a go! go! go! life and I am enjoying it - I just feel like part of me is getting a little lost in the process and I don't know how to keep that from happening. Back in the day, in those customer service jobs, I came up with the theory that to best observe human nature one needs to stay stationary while others pass through, giving the person a quick glance at people and allowing those stereotypes to start flowing. It's why I love to park it on a bench and just people watch - I do extensive people watching in every vacation I take, it's great fun and keeps me on my generalizing toes. I haven't done a lot of sitting still recently (and not conincidently, not a lot of theorizing either) , so my insight into the human condition is pretty rusty, as is insight on my OWN condition. Unfortunately, it's not only something I like to do, but my desire to explain and understand the human experience as best I can is one of the things I like best about myself. In fact, I'd like to make a living off of it someday. Today, however, I didn't even make time for dinner and that's basic Hierarchy of Needs shit. Can't get to self-actualization without being able to feed myself - thanks for that insight, Maslow.

I SWEAR this had a point in my head... Oh, like always, when I get stuck I look for answers elsewhere and here's another astrology thing, which I thought was an accurate description of me and relates (sorta) to my current situation:

April 29

You are a restless soul and though you want security more than anything in your life you seem to be compelled to keep moving. Even if you settle down at times your mind still moves like the wind. You will journey many times in life. These travels may not only be of the world, but of the mind and spirit as well.

You are always learning - the eternal student - so to speak. Your appetite for knowledge is excessive. There is an ancient saying "knowledge is bondage". Know when to say "enough is enough".

One of these days I'll stop doing these fucking annoying blog rambles people love to do and put some meat on the page again. Not today, obviously. You'll just have to stay tuned until I get back there. It might be awhile...

Making a date with myself

Summer's arrived - or at least the calendar says so. The amount of rain and cool weather seems to be pointing to spring and gives me hope that somehow winter will simply be crowded out this year. Probably not. With summer comes vacations and traveling, something I've managed to dive head first into. I've come to really like and even enjoy Haskovo, but I also know there's a country to see, hiking to do, friends to catch up with, good times to have...oh yeah, and work to do. I cannot remember the last weekend I stayed in town. I think I might have been ill. I've been hiking, wandering through towns, visiting friends, meeting new people and even will head to the beach this weekend (I've always thought of beaches as a thinking woman's hell, but I'm going to give it a go anyway). This has meant that my life is largely centered around the timely unpacking and packing of my backpack. I have no idea what all this other stuff in my apartment is for at this point - I never use it - and the constant in and out makes me feel like I am living in a storage unit (and it looks like I am too). My inbox of undealt with emails is over 100. I haven't spent an evening in the kitchen (something I love to do) in at least a month, probably closer to two.

I state this things not to point to my so-called social importance, but to point out a real quandary for me. I really love seeing people and traveling and I've had multiple weekends that were nothing short of wonderful - I can't name the last bad one I had. But a part of me - part of myself, my life and my duties - is being neglected because of it. I'm a little spent at the moment. Trying to embrace the work hard/play hard mentality has also killed my intellect. Thoughts and insights pop into my head to be quickly pushed out for logistical matters or the topic of conversation at hand. My intellectual and emotional development requires a lot of introspection (arguably I can overengage in such things, I know) and I have simply not had time for it. I feel a little crazed - part of me is being very well fed and another is just getting by on scraps.

Faithful readers may have noticed the recent dearth of entries here - something that is no small matter to me. My writing is my greatest commitment to me - it's my own chat by the fire with a cup of tea with my inner self. It makes me process myself and my world in a way that mere thought and conversation don't force me to do as in depth. Many of my better writings have been fueled by great conversations with like-minded (or not-so-like-minded) people, but when everyone is in vacation mode (and I'm always bopping about) those conversations don't happen so often either. I've had an incredible amount of good chats in the last couple months, but I fail to remember any truly great ones. My writing (both quantity and quality) and my deeper inner self have suffered accordingly.

Due to some bizarre series of social events that has resulting in meeting and connecting with new people, my social circle has expanded to about twice the size it was 4 months ago. There's not a single person I regret meeting or adding to the people I keep in contact with - they are pure joy, I feel no obligation nor sense of weight. I guess I am unsure how to honor the social me that wants to hang and have a good time and connect with people with the introverted me that wants to write and think and read and spend some time in herself. I've tried to think back over my life to whether I've ever achieved both at once - I know I've achieved both individually - and I can't recall that I have. I've flipped back and forth many times, but never rested on a good equilibrium.

Part of the issue is that I am a high contact person - the people in my life are there on a regular (often daily) basis. I want that and expect that - I hate people that just drop in for the big stuff. Yeah, I said hate. People don't get to know me through my big moments - it's the daily messes and teeny struggles and triumphs that show who I (and anyone else) am (is). I am online a lot and have unsaid chat dates with multiple people every day. I try to keep the conversations one-to-one (scattering yourself over multiple conversations just keeps each in second gear AND it annoys the shit out of anyone trying to have a genuine conversation with you - don't be tempted), but it's resulted in me being online at least 4 hrs a day. That's a lot of time staring at the screen, writing, but not really.

The struggle here isn't deciding who to keep and discard (it's not even a question - every friendship is unique and wonderful, why else would you have it?) but balancing what I give myself with what I give others. It's my lifelong struggle, especially since the time and energy I give others I also see as something I give myself. I guess I just need more alone time. To quote Oprah (as I love/hate to do):

Alone time is when I recharge and go back to my center, distancing myself from the voices of the world so I can hear my own with clarity. It's when I consciously count my blessings, take a deep breath, and try to absorb the wonder and glory of all my experiences.

Having a grand time, but I've been kinda missing me lately. Time to fix it (again).

A few of my favorite things...

As the season has included more rain and storms (storms providing me a private, happy place) I am reminded to note a few of the things I genuinely appreciate about this wacky country I'm living in. Some of them are, in no particular order:

1. storms, especially ones that make the electricity go out
2. walking to work
3. zoning out/reflecting on the long bus rides
4. seeing the country change and develop right before my eyes
5. the universal curiosity of children
6. witty and/or loving text messages
7. Bulgar English/American Bulgarian
8. access to mountains and the beach
9. friends who are excited to see me, and who make sure it happens as often as possible
10. friends I can't wait to see
11. getting to know friends better, seeing each other through good and bad times
    
12. long sits in outdoor cafes
13. seeing my NGO develop and being a big part of that
14. students in my building who are genuinely happy to run into me
15. the smiles I get when I arrive to work
16. online chats that last for hours and hours
17. real, in-person chats that last until we can't keep our eyes open (and even a little after)
18. meeting country people who are tickled to meet an American
19. hiking
20. long walks through my town, others too
21. the people in the veggie market who insist on helping me find the best veggies
22. people I pass who look at me like I'm not from around here, but who think that's just fine
23. second hand clothes stores
24. knowing that I am changing and developing every single day
    
25. the guy who works at my favorite dooner stand
26. Toni and Veneta
27. the moment my bus pulls into Haskovo and I feel like I'm home
28. my growing balcony garden
29. having an evening cup of tea on my balcony
30. reading
31. my local internet server (illegally hosting copies of lots of movies)
32. my Camelbak - well, all my backpacks, really
33. veggies - yum!
34. Plovdiv
35. getting packages and cards
36. sharing music with friends
37. my apartment (when it's clean)
38. taking more pictures
39. taking more time with things and with people
40. detaching from being professionally driven
41. people watching
42. my laptop, my savior
43. candles
44. cheap, good wine
45. waking up in the mountains
46. sunflower and lavender fields
47. picking fruit right off the tree and eating it
    
48. napping
49. losing myself to see what I can recover
50. the best sound in the whole world: genuine laughter