A small thing called utilities

So, for those playing along at home, you'll remember that I have an obsession with clean hands. Well, now I have a reason to have that obsession. Friday I was diagnosed with conjunctivitis (aka pink eye). Now, I think (think) I got it because I was wearing extended wear contacts in a country that lights dumpsters on fire and drives cars built by Russian communists - cars from the 60s and 70s with no imposed emission standards. I may be wrong. Still, my crusade to keep hands germfree has been given new life.

So, now, I am at home hibernating with my oozing eye, which is rather OK. A day of shameless internet surfing in one's PJs never hurt anyone. However, there are a few assumptions you are making - I have heat, true; and electricity, yes; and water? Nope. No water. Why? Good question! People here like to turn the utilities off (water, electricity) for unexplained reasons and for undisclosed amounts of time. When you ask why it is off no one knows. They didn't do it, for Pete's sake! How long will it be off? Not long. How long is not long? Who knows! Not long today is 6 hours so far (that I know of). And I have germs escaping from my face! Ready to nestle into other body parts and household objects! I need soap and water to carry them to their new home - some place other than my own! Plus, damn it, I just want to shower. Christ, is it asking so much?!

How, when do you know?

Forget cultural differences for a moment. How do you really know a person? When do you know? Is it a time frame or a series of hurdles (natural or constructed) or simple repetition or something else entirely? How often do people let you into their motivations, and, even if you know these motivations, how do you know you won't be sacrificed for them? When does trust enter? When does it become complete? I've achieved trust - in the purest, most sincere meaning of the word - with several, many even. But, as I am isolated in an environment that is foreign and lacking all the comfortable distractions that typically make the drive for faith less obvious, I want to know when and how this happens. Can I make it happen? Do I explain and reexplain what I want, what I need, to someone and hope they "get it"? Or should they just be expected to get it on their own? If you explain in graphic detail what it is that serves as your center, your heart, your mind, how do you know if someone follows directions well or if they truly understand? Does it matter? Should it matter, I guess. The difference matters to me - my life isn't a workplace where I just want people to fulfill some basic job duties correctly - the ends and the means matter. When incomplete, what breaks trust? A simple slip shouldn't do it, but what about repeated slips - off-hand comments, lack of courtesy, a tendency to value the new above the old? Where is the line between human error (deserving compassion and forgiveness) and showing one's true hand? Where's the point between being a cold, skeptical hardass and a blind, manipulated chump?

Purell: Humanitarian Relief

So, for those who know me well this is not news. For everyone else, it may seem odd. I have this obsession. An obsession to have clean hands. Always had it. Even as a child. Ask my mom. Dirty hands, in general, creep me out. My own hands being dirty is like mental battery acid. This makes the bathroom situation in Bulgaria thrice as bad as it otherwise would be - and it's pretty damn bad. Let's just talk about "public" work restrooms today, though there are so many more bathroom rants to be given. There are keys - yes, often more than one - needed to get into a bathroom in many locations. Work environments are especially bad about it. Apparently, people believe that someone is going to enter the building only to do something destructive to the bathroom. Let's see what that would be.... Steal toilet paper? Nope, none to be had. To pee on the floor? Well, the toilet usually leaks so that's taken care of. I have no clue what the keys are for. But you need them. In the municipality, I need THREE. One to get to the hallway that reeks of urine. One to get to the restroom area. One to lock myself into the toilet room. THREE. So, once in the room with the leaky toilet that soaks the floor, there is no toilet paper (but most gals are prepared for this - most). Conveniently, there is a torn old newspaper that people seem to use in a bind (or when things aren't so binding, I guess) ...So, you do your business and then you flush and then...TOUCH THE KEYS. Go to the sink, wash without soap and with nothing to dry your hands and then TOUCH THE KEYS. Lock the bathroom back with THE KEYS. So, put these things together, if you will: my loathing of dirty hands and picking up a dripping wet bathroom key ring that someone else just used (oh yeah, 5 of us share these keys - why wouldn't we?!) You can partially imagine my disgust. Grossness! Deep thoughts, by Jen Hill.

The Great Things We Don't Consider

In the process of living abroad you get used to the bigger things: the language, the ridiculously small grocery stores, the living arrangements, even the rhythm. It's the small things you really get hit by: the steepness of curbs, the way people laugh, the smell of the morning, the lack of good public reading spaces. What I miss from the States aren't the large things: the mobility (both economic and physical), the (comparable) transparency in politics, the abundant diversity. I do miss them, but what I miss the most is the consistency. The dependability. When you go into work, the lights will be on, the computer will work or will be repaired quickly, people will be there and not hiding with some mysterious 1-week cold every other week. Your apartment will be heated, the appliances will work, the fuses won't be blown when you try to utilize more than one room at at time. It's the same with people too. When I think about the people I miss from the States I can think about all their traits and all the great things they shared with me, but what I miss is voices and smiles and laughs. I miss seeing Scott inspect his shoes for scratches and endlessly search for the perfect blue/gray shirt, the way my sister says "shut up," the way June takes a smart conversation and turns it ghetto and brings it back again. I never thought about those things. They were just always there. I've noticed that I've become guilty of the same thing here too. Good things - and the good people who come with them - are easy to overlook. They're consistent - ever present in every way. They're so me that I've stopped considering them. Stopped appreciating. Stopped enjoying. And that's a big part of life's joy, I think, finding those things that bring you joy and really allowing it to fill you. Cups runeth over with enough drops, not big cubes.

Internet Saga: Episode 2

So, I am reconnected. S-l-o-w-l-y. That is it happened slowly and it is slow. The silly chain of events went something like this: after dumping my fairly fast (96mb/sec) but inconsistent cable connection, I looked into options. First option: ADSL. Price: 39 leva. Speed: 256mb/sec. Second option: cable. Price: 40 leva. Speed: 64mb/sec. Hmmm...which to choose? Cable, of course! Why? Well, went to get ADSL, asked questions, the woman called her boss and asked him questions, forms were brought out...blah, blah, blah... and now, long story longer, I find out I need the MAYOR to sign the contract for me - not as a co-signer or as an employee verifier or as someone signing for the municipality, but to have the 1-year contract under HIS name. Didn't really feel comfortable doing that, so now I have slow, but reliable cable internet. Not having options is one thing - having non-options is something else entirely.

Hidden, incomplete treasures

Yesterday John and I went for a walk in the local large park (think Central or Swope Park, but different, and - er, less) "Kenana". First stop: the zoo. Really, as John commented, more like a farm. Horses and bunnies and pigeons. And a wolf, bear, lion and lioness. All in small, unkempt cages. Sad, really. And disgusting. I question what the people who work there know about animals and habitats. Do they care at all, or are pissed that they have to clean cages for a living? How do you get a country to want and invest in a decent zoo when the basic infrastructure (roads, water) still isn't up to par? Walked around some after that and stumbled on a nice looking, new(ish) house that looked abandoned. Curious, we walked to the back and found this enormous structure - sculpted land, stone walls and walkways, rose bushes. No signs to it. Not really a trail even. But here, suddenly, was this massive spread. Three more steps and it could have been grand. Really first class. And that's Bulgaria. All the components of greatness are (kind of) here, not finished, and lacking people with any interest in it's completion. I am in a country that is 80% complete, and the 80/20 Rule applies here too (the first 80% is 20% of the work and the last 20% is 80% of the work). I don't know how many people (any?) are motivated to give the required labor and dedication to make things happen - to finish the job.

Bulgarian Quality

I'll start with this: Bulgarian life isn't that bad. It's not textbook Peace Corps bad, at least. No huts. The heat works - reasonably well. There is (semi-) constant electricity. There is (a limited selection of) food in the stores. The thing they really don't get though is quality. A real problem for a lifetime quality seeker. Here is the perfect example: I just came home from a night of drinks and light conversation with John (childhood baggage, state of the world, 9/11) and I wanted to use the internet. I pay for a cable connection in my house - by local standards, I pay handsomely. The average family income is 200 leva a month and I pay about 50 leva a month for my connection. I make almost 400 leva (twice the local average, but still only about 250 US dollars) a month - so it's an 1/8th of my income. Guess what - it doesn't work. Not really so abnormal here, despite the costs. There are even multiple local providers, so lack of competition isn't the problem. The problem though is a lack of expected quality. No one thinks anything about something that doesn't work. The stores don't offer to test things for you before you buy them - they just do it. They know the lack of quality control, so they press for weaknesses, try zippers, plug things in, all in order to make sure they work. It's not assumed that it will. The mentality is easy to catch, I must admit. Before tonight, this moment, I was willing to pay my provider another month for service. Why? An assumption that I'll just have to fight with the next one - and the next one is ASDL for about 35 leva a month (a 15 leva discount for a BETTER connection). There's just an assumption that there will be problems. Why fight it? Why change it? Why assume it will be any other way? It's exhausting to fight that mentality all the time. Day after day. And it's a virus - easy to catch and hard to fight. Doing my best though. Hope to have better service soon.

The beginning of my online journal

So, this is it. The beginning of my blog - an ugly word and a forum for bad writers and misguided people everywhere. Horrible, really. I hope I'm not (overly) guilty of either. Or dullness. No fate worse than being boring. Odorous, I guess. Dull and odorous, now THAT'S a fate. I met that guy. On a bus from Velingrad to Sofia. Large, snoring man with uncontrolled, wet sneezes and garlicy, carnivorous breath. On to better things....